Conversations with Myself: Just Breathe

“This is good coffee.”
It’s so nice to be out and about seeing friends again.
“How are the kids?”
Why do I feel nervous all of a sudden?
It’s so great to see my friends.
She’s just catching me up on the kids.
We’re having such a lovely time.
Oh shit, I’m getting dizzy.
It’s ok, I’ll wait til there’s a break in the conversation…
Ok, here it is.

“I’ll be right back,” I say with a smile.
Get to the bathroom.
Shit, multi stalls… Just lock the door.
Splash cold water on your neck.

Hands bracing the sink I start to count…
1 2 3 4… 17 18 19… 29 30… …
Ok, I’m good. I got this.
I walk back to the table, head down.
“Ok, where were we,” I say with another smile.

Well, that was an interesting day.
Such a beautiful time.
So many cool people and brilliant chats.
I love it.

Time to chill.
Wait…
What the fuck is this?
Why am I thinking about this again!?
They are not going to hurt me.
It doesn’t make any sense to think they would.

I feel that old want to pull my hair.
No… Not again.
I start to shake.
My heart is racing.
Where did this come from?!
Shit, there’s just too much noise in my brain!
I gotta get up and move.

I grab my headphones, blast the music.
Now Move.
Stretching…
Exercising…
Dancing…
Ok. I’m feeling better.
Time to take a shower.

This is cool.
There are so many people here.
What an awesome turn out.

“Hey! How are you?”
This guy, I’ve already forgotten his name.
I do that, but I don’t mean to.
His experience he’s describing to me is fascinating.
Wow, there is a lot of people here…

My heart is beating so hard I can feel it in my back.
Fuck…
Just breathe.
It’s cool, focus on this guy’s voice, his story.
He’s so open-minded and very chill.
Shit, the walls feel like they’re closing in again.
That’s it, I need air.
Get outside now.

“Excuse me. I’ll be right back.”
I step outside.
I feel the air.
I take a deep breath.
I feel the sun shining on my face.
Just keep breathing… …
I stand there for a moment longer.
Now, I feel safe.
Ok… Where’s that dude at?

“Hey! Sorry about that.”
“Now, you were saying,” I say with a smile.

This is for anyone that has ever felt anxious or utterly freaked out during everyday situations in life. You are not alone. Sometimes we don’t realize we are starting to fall into these types of feelings and thoughts until it’s slammed into us completely intensified, at a level of fear that can be crippling at times. Just try to remember when you get caught up in these things that it’s ok, and it is just fine to take a break from the world to take care of yourself because of panicked thoughts and feelings and more. Do not ever guilt yourself for taking a break when you need to take care of you. When anxiety ridden thoughts and feelings creep up for me, personally, I have noticed that it is good to listen to your breathing, especially if you are smack dab in the middle of something and can’t get away. Also, taking a walk outside to get some fresh air away from everything seems to help a lot. Some more personal tips that have been beneficial for me during these times have been exercising, cleaning, meditation, using tools based in my spirituality, using the advice given to me by many beautiful souls, blasting music through my skull, and taking cool showers. And, if all else fails, I’ll take a nap. Know that if you think or feel you need to seek out professional help, I implore you to do so. Seeing therapists helped me through some hard times, and they helped me to develop the tools I use to this day to get past panicked moments I tend to fall into. There are many brilliant psychologists and support groups out there that can guide you through the mental and emotional stresses life can bring. Also, if you feel the need to go and talk to your loved ones about anything that may be hurting you, please do so. And, as always, please remember to take care of yourself and your loves, just breathe, and if you need help, please seek it out.
I love you all!!

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